Haiti - three months ago
He's there! The devil has found us!
Daddy, protect us!
We're powerless against this evil!
Fuck off, motherfucker!
THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DORKS
Germany - Today
And now, after handing out the report cards,
the awards for special performances.
For his unusual talent,
his intensive research,
and because he's such a nice guy.
This year's sex-ed award goes to
Philip Fleischhacker.
Uschi, would you please?
What a nice couple.
It'll be nice to see them at this year's summer dance.
What's the prize?
Five gallons of lubricant and a year's supply of condoms!
Well, go ahead, give it a shot.
Philip!
- Philip? - Just a sec!
You're late for school.
And we're about to take off.
God, let some air in.
Apparently, you only sleep to fart.
You haven't cleaned up either.
This sock has been here since last Christmas.
Hello, Rebecca!
Off to a funeral again?
Never mind. Philip can't talk to you right now.
He's got one of his huge morning erections.
- Mom! - What?
You two never had secrets.
Yes, when we were in kindergarten
Just a year ago, you two were best buddies.
- I saw myself already as a granny. - Please, how is that my fault?
Since she's into gothic,
she looks like a scarecrow with depressions.
Philip, the only cure to a stiffy is a girl.
For three years now you're having these blood pressure problems.
Puberty is not a job.
Your father used to pour hot Chamomile tea over it. Worked like a charm.
Well, Philip, two seconds.
You know what's the most important.
Physical health and world peace?
No. This house and everything in it. Hold this.
I recorded everything.
The amount of alcohol in the bar. the drugs in my practice,
and how long the grass is.
Anything changed on our return and I'll cut your balls off.
Give.
If you need help, just ask Rebecca.
And please don't forget, it's her birthday tomorrow.
And tell your friends, "No parties, no loud music,
no alcohol, and no drugs."
- Morning. - Morning.
A sweet morning. Refreshment?
I'll pass.
- That's a shame. - Hurry up, we're late.
Right, I forgot.
Let's not miss the illustrious Uschi.
A star.
Can I get a ride?
Hey, look, your little girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
Isn't it a bit early to rise from the casket?
Can you give me a ride? Philip?
- Thanks. I have a report due today... - Sure.
Watch the beer!
Stop your stupid scribbling.
What's that for?
He records today's beatings.
Does this since the first grade.
Yes, no humiliation left out.
Every humiliating moment is recorded here.
January 6, '92
Jürgen Grieger pours superglue into my pants.
Since then I'm circumcised.
Hey, Casanova.
Got some exclusive hints for you.
Call it a "crowbar" for prying open a girl's panties.
Who's about to be crowbarred here?
Well, Uschi.
Uschi, who feels like boiling beer.
Blonde, hot and always wet.
Romeo here wants to hump her.
No, I don't.
No, worse. He wants to take her to the summer dance and hump her there.
The only thing he forgot is
- to ask her. - to ask her.
Hello.
Baby, you know you want it!
You just don't know it yet.
Philip, forget her.
With all of her dough, she's out of your league.
Last year she banged half the in-crowd.
Ozzy Osbourne's son,
one of the Baldwins, and some VP from GM.
And look at you. Your dad is a plan physician.
I've got personal qualities.
Yes, dude, your swollen balls.
I gotta go, see you.
And good luck.
Hi.
Okay.
Hello, Uschi.
Hi. Something wrong?
I was wondering, if we could go together...
to the summer dance...
Fleischhacker.
Are you hitting on my girlfriend?
No, I just wanted...
This little twit asked me to the summer dance.
Excuse me?
I think, I have to kill you all now.
Come, Wolf, he didn't mean it like that. He just...
Quiet. I'm gonna count to three.
One.
Two.
And...
three.
You're so lame.
You're gonna regret this.
I'll get you for that.
Ah, Wolf, nice to see you.
Please give my very best to your father.
Thanks to his donation, we could finally finish the west wing.
Don't mention it. All for the sake of the school and my graduation.
And you... stop provoking our best students.
This is a high school, not a kindergarten.
I bit my tongue.
Cell phones off, and calm down!
Good morning, Mrs. Grinder.
Weener, sometimes I wonder whether it's my notebook or my underwear you want.
Can't I have both?
She'll be mine some day.
Weener, please. A teacher?
Why not go for the janitor?
No, he's too hairy for my taste.
Don't you get it? This woman is a goddess.
When I undo her hair and take off her glasses,
she'll change into a sex fiend.
She'll live up to her name and grind me down.
The topic is religious symbols.
You have three minutes.
Who wants to go first?
This wafer symbolizes the body of Christ.
The beads on this chain count a Muslim's prayers.
And it handles well.
Yo, and this here is like... incense.
Yes.
These objects symbolize the dark power that voodoo has over humans.
Do not ignore this power.
Voodoo enables you to control the undead that soon will walk among us,
feeding on our brains.
Seriously, guys, no shit.
The undead will walk the earth once more.
Right here, in a few days.
I see three right now.
Be quiet.
This is meant to broaden your horizon.
Voodoo lets you control the dead and the living.
With this doll, you can inflict pain on your enemies.
This root can make someone love you.
That's for you. First you flatten Wolf with the doll
and then you get Uschi to drip like a leaky faucet.
These zombie ashes
resurrect the dead.
Great! It's boring here anyway!
Stop your blasphemous mockery.
Come on, convince him of the power of the voodoo.
Hurry, or he will go to hell with his face down!
Sorry. But all this crap gives me a headache.
Pathetic! A generation of late bloomers.
Messed up by the internet and role-playing.
At least we had pot and sex orgies.
But theses days...
Pot and sex orgies.
Hi, got a second?
If you're not embarrassed to be seen with me.
Hey, that was Weener, not me, okay?
Sometimes he overdoes it.
When I look at you, I also think sometimes...
Philip, I won't be wearing this forever.
I think.
Just now I like it.
I mean, the Hip Hop morons like oversized pants.
Or the metal freaks playing air guitar.
Death, decay and wearing black is my thing now.
Walking underneath a ladder brings bad luck.
Leave the superstition to me, okay?
What do you want anyway?
Right. The voodoo spells.
The love spell to be specific. Are they for real?
Philip, that's no instant cake mix.
You have to believe in it.
If the dark powers favor you, your aura will change.
- But this won't help you either. - Why not?
Philip, why don't you get it? lt'll never work with Uschi.
She'll drop you like an outdated Gucci piece.
At least I want to try.
Meet me tonight on the cemetery.
For a ritual, like a test.
If it's that important perhaps I can help you.
Okay! I mean... fine.
The odds that this voodoo bullshit works
are 6.5 billion to 1.
Hey, faith can move a mountain.
And I know which mountains you want to move. Uschi 1 and Uschi 2.
So, the odds that you'll be moving Uschi's mountains are 21...
Shut up.
So let us begin, children of the night.
We call you, Baron Samedi! Hear us!
Do you have a curl of a felon's hair?
Yes.
From a murderer? From a sex offender?
My mom got a parking ticket.
That must suffice.
The chicken sacrifice?
I couldn't get a live one. Honestly.
Is the head in there?
It said, "With neck and intestines."
Yes. Yes, okay.
And now,
the blood sacrifice by the archpriests.
I'm so excited! This is just like back in in the Middle Ages
with witches and wolves...
What are you doing here?
I invited them. Well, just him, Philip.
He's interested in the ritual of perpetual love.
Oh, a new member to our elite circle of the disciples of Satan?
No, he just wants to fuck Uschi.
Disrespectful!
This is a historic moment! The raising of an undead!
If this test works,
we'll fly to Seattle and resurrect Kurt Cobain.
Isn't that dangerous?
Not at all. He'll totally obey us.
If not, we'll simply lock him in the basement
where he has to play for us.
I only wanted to make somebody fall in love with me.
First we'll wake the undead!
Then we take care of your carnal desires.
Rebecca,
- you first. - Are you nuts? With that thing?
You go first.
No. I already brought the knife.
It's just a little prick.
- Frederik! - No. That hurts.
Great. Now what?
It's a full moon, isn't it?
Yes. And?
Well, I mean, isn't it that time of the month...
We could...
- your tampon. - What?
Well, I got this paper cut.
Playboy or Hustler?
Chess world. Their pages are really smooth.
Yes. Yes, all right.
Give it to me, neophyte!
And now... the ashes of an undead.
Unnaturally resurrected.
Bloodthirsty and uncontrollable.
Destroyed and burned by white magic.
Oh, Azaoth, oh Beelzebub!
Hear us, and give life where death reigns.
Sorry, we must have done something wrong.
Something? You did everything wrong.
Frozen chicken and band aid?
You want to be specialists of the underworld?
Your pentagram has six points.
The only thing you can reach with this is the central council of Jews!
Sorry, guys, let's go. My mistake.
Oh, man, these morons. I could piss myself laughing.
The only spell they have is a dry spell for Uschi.
Let it go. I think, they're just lonely.
This whole shit calls for some decent ash.
Sweet. A new one?
This, my dear, is the finest bong money can buy.
The Smokeblaster 3000.
Shotgun hole, gentian cooling
automatic firing.
Makes for one hit.
More like a stink.
Put it away.
It's stuck somehow!
Philip! Philip?
No, mom, school starts later.
That's some giant, giant,
major, major, giant shit.
You mean, like T-Rex shit?
What is this?
What a major, giant...
Exactly.
Guys, where are my glasses? And why is my bed so cold?
Don't panic, but...
it's because it's made of surgical steel.
What are we doing in a morgue?
Maybe they think we're dead.
- But we're not. - Sure not, look at us.
- We talk. - We move.
We have a tag on our toe.
Male, unknown. Cranial fracture.
Male, unknown. Coronary puncture.
Of course, you had to be special again.
What does it mean, "Unknown?"
Did you have some ID on you?
See?
Yes.
But what about your car? Aren't you...
The owner?
I didn't register it.
Hey, I got for 50 bucks from a Pole. Even filed off the VIN number.
I got it. You know what?
We're still stoned. Done for, totally wasted.
I bet we're probably imagining things.
Great trip.
Stoned, right.
Just like that guy.
Ooh, no.
More like a few vodka tonics too many and a handful of ecstasy.
Oh, no. Not another graduation prank.
Stoned or not, it's all a mistake. False diagnosis.
- They just think we're dead. - And if we're not, what are we?
Criminals, DUI, no ID,
filing off the VIN number. We'll end up in jail, for sure.
Police? Pathology here.
You know how you avoid jail?
You run!
- Evening. - Evening.
Hey, you know what? We're not dead.
It's much worse.
There. You see this?
Guys, we are zombies!
The living dead! The spawn of hell!
Soon we'll be super strong and unstoppable.
We will eat human brains of rotting corpses.
Some brains would do you a world of good.
Zombies? Why not werewolves?
Or vampires?
Yes, just laugh.
Don't you feel it? The thirst for meat and blood?
More like thirst for beer.
And I'm not decomposing yet.
I mean, if we were really zombies, there must be a reason for it.
What happened that made us...
The ritual. This stupid ritual on the cemetery.
It must have worked.
Oh, shit.
These silly bats have really changed us
into zombies?
- We're so the undead! - Tough killers.
I guarantee you we'll get into all the clubs now.
- And when the bouncer makes a fuss... - Yes, yes, like...
"Sorry, only regulars today."
Breakfast!
- Morning. - Morning.
- Man, you look like shit. - Really? But I feel great.
Yes, same here.
Had to be this killer weed from last night.
We were so wasted.
- Hungry? - Yo.
Hey, guys, do you feel this great too?
I used your dad's weights.
66 pounds on each arm, piece of cake.
- And my morning hard-on... - Too much information!
Bon Appetite!
Guys, shouldn't we fry these first?
No, why?
Tastes fine to me.
A new record. Two cases in one hour.
I feel like I'm missing a wheel.
Hey, watch out, you jerk.
Sorry. It was an accident. I'll pick it up.
What's up, guys?
Got a death wish?
You know better. No groping, no talking,
- no... - no fucking, we get it.
Man, you hit like a girl.
Wolf, we've really got no time for this.
Come on, let's go.
- See you in gym class. - Yes, sure.
I just thought... I didn't want to get my hands dirty.
Yeah, sure.
The water frog...
or Rana Aesculenta...
Guys, I'm telling you, something is strange here.
I could beat up Mike Tyson, Konrad is rubber-man
and you drink more than all the Rolling Stones together.
I like it.
I think, I'll ask Rebecca. She knows all about all things strange.
And tell her what?
"I think I'm undead, do something."
More subtle than that.
I can't slice it up.
Konrad, do you want...
What?
Dude, you call this normal?
Yes, but that doesn't count. It's an animal.
Real zombies eat human flesh.
Eating frogs is just... French.
It's not funny, just disgusting.
And very weird.
To me, everyone getting dressed by his mom at age 17 is weird.
...to attract females.
Like mammals and birds, frogs also...
Silence! What's going on here?
He bit me in the ass!
Quiet!
For real? Cool.
Konrad.
I...
I was hungry.
Yes, hungry.
I've had it with you and your ridiculous classmates.
Leave this class.
And come to my office during the break. Got it?
Yes.
I don't care what you think, but biting Susie in the ass is not normal.
This doesn't mean we're Zombies.
It just proves that Konrad can't tell a good ass from a bad one.
What else has to happen, so you finally admit that...
Shit.
- What? - Okay.
What... what is it?
Oh.
Don't move.
A '89 VW windscreen wiper.
What's up, fags? Elected a major in bending over again?
Mm, say...
aren't you in Klocke's Latin class?
Of course.
How can you get ahead if you're not fluent in any Romance language?
So, you wouldn't happen to know what cranial fracture
or coronary puncture means?
Easy. Cranial fracture means fractured skull, the other is a pierced heart.
Dude... we are zombies.
- You go looking for Konrad. - And you for Rebecca.
Hey, do you sleep under a blanket or in a grave?
Come, tell us.
- Hey, jerk off, leave her alone. - Or what?
Or I'll do the same to you as to Wolf this morning.
Thanks.
Are you okay? You look tired.
Was a long night.
- Listen, sorry about yesterday... - Forget it.
Today is much more important.
Urgent and essential to life.
Really. I thought you'd forgotten it.
- What? - My birthday.
Your birthday.
Yes, sure.
Happy Birthday.
Thanks.
Will we celebrate the usual way?
You and I and a gallon of cheap wine?
Wasn't that last year?
And more. You were in love with Stefanie Veith in 10th grade
and I had to teach you how to kiss.
Yes, upper lip, lower lip, with and without tongue.
Nibbling and sucking, the right firmness.
- Then our braces got stuck. - Yes. Inseparable.
We walked two hours to the hospital. Remember what they said.
"Three vaginal cramps, and now we're on to the oral part."
I checked in the Guinness Book Of Records.
It was the longest un-willing kiss in history.
It's a long time ago.
It's a deal. Tonight, just you and me.
I have a question though. About the undead.
- And zombies. - Are you for real?
It's for a bet.
What does a zombie eat?
Jesus Christ, I told you a thousand times to close that stupid door.
You think electricity flows from your ass?
I will...
Kiss my ass. What kind of a pervert are you?
The principal will give you the boot!
No harm done. Just dig in and stuff yourself.
School chef pours soup on my lap.
Armin from 8th grade pelts me with rose hips.
Armin from 8th grade.
Help! Help! Mom! Get me down!
Help! Somebody help me! Please!
- Get me down! - Hey!
You there!
Konrad? Konrad!
The classic voodoo zombies are simply people under hypnosis.
The living dead are driven by their hunger for human flesh or brain.
That means, they eat other humans, infecting them with their bite
and turning them into zombies.
And how long for this to develop?
It depends on the character of the deceased.
A bad person turns into a zombie fast.
- Same with the decomposing. - Decomposing?
Yes. Parts of the body fall off. Arms, legs, genitalia.
- Genitalia? - Yes.
- Great. And this zombie, how do... - Kill it?
Either by destroying the body entirely by fire or high voltage
or by a bullet to the head.
- Brain gone. - Shot to the head.
- With a silver bullet. - Amateur.
That's for werewolves.
A simple bullet for a simple zombie.
Great. And can the zombie be cured at all?
Hardly. Maybe for some.
- Here. - The book from the cemetery.
Yes, a totally rare edition.
Here it says how...
Shit.
to create an antidote. And that is called...
- How can he get back at all? - He's got that stupid book.
He's going nuts, going after everyone who ever bullied him.
See those ants there?
And the honey here?
- And an idiot like you... - Konrad, stop!
Hey, Konrad, have you gone completely out of your mind now?
3 years ago he stole all the valves from my bike.
- Just one, the other... - Shut up!
Konrad, in case you haven't gotten it yet,
- we really are zombies. - Really?
Sure, man, totally. Bloodthirsty, with super powers
- and without any morals. - Good.
No, not good, bad! Okay?
We have to be careful. Nobody can know that we are zombies.
And why not?
Man, don't you remember what they did to E. T?
Sliced him up for good!
Or they get scared and kill us, just to be sure.
With high voltage, or fire, or the good old bullet to the brain.
- Silver bullet? - That's only for werewolves.
But there might be an antidote, which is...
- Truanting again? - No! Stalin!
My class starts in 70 seconds.
So, get your asses changed and head out on the rugby field!
And clear this piece of shit from my sand pit.
Men, line up!
I have heard that some of you wonder
why I almost exclusively teach rugby classes.
Some say rugby encourages team spirit.
Physical coordination.
That's all bullshit!
No other sport inflicts more pain.
And nothing motivates like pain!
But there is a chance to escape the pain.
And that is winning!
So, drag these lame excuses for a body on the field
and show me some action! Go!
In 10 seconds you'll spit your teeth out, Fleischhacker.
Don't try to stop them, okay?
Let them pummel you. Passive resistance.
Like Gandhi.
New position.
Taste good?
I don't recall substituting you.
But I can't see anything.
If our boys said that before Stalingrad, we would have lost the war.
But we did lose the...
Back to the field, you dumb ass!
You will regret this.
Guys? Guys?
Shit, Konrad!
- Guys? - Shit!
What do we do now?
Straighten him out before somebody sees.
- You all right? - Yes.
To be honest, I wasn't hurt at all.
- Were you? - No.
Great. So, let's get some revenge.
What do you mean?
The fuckers can't hurt us anymore. We're way stronger than them.
And no more Gandhi!
Shit!
What's up with Fleischhacker and his faggots?
No idea.
It'll be over in a minute.
My best gladiator.
Loser.
You're blowing the whistle already?
Look at it, my son.
This war is over.
Insane what you did to those jerks.
- You are my new heroes! - Yes, mine too.
Someone had to teach those rich fucks manners!
Guys, your fucked up heroin look is really cool.
Here, the 50 I borrowed from you in 4th grade.
With interest.
Guys, what I said about your zits and bad breath was a lie.
Sorry.
And mine really is shorter than yours.
Hey, boys, you're so cool. I'd love to invite you to my party,
but you're probably having one of your own, aren't you?
Sure! We'll have a party in honor of this historical moment.
I mean, hey, nothing special.
Just a glorious event with lots of booze and drugs
- at the Fleischhacker residence! - At home?
Weener, we can't throw a party, we've got to...
For the captain.
I don't beat about the bush as you know.
I don't care for losers.
Winners are better lovers.
Save us a room. Just for the two of us.
So, we will have a party?
Say, where's Konrad?
His things are still here. He wouldn't leave without them.
Shit.
What are you doing here? Can't you read?
This is for staff only.
Oh.
Found something interesting?
Meat.
I want meat.
No problem.
I'll get it.
A nice, thick, fat sausage.
Naughty boy needs to be punished.
Don't be so dramatic! What is he going to do?
He'll probably just stick his head in the toilet, or something like it.
He ate Stalin.
Konrad, give it to me.
- No, I'm not finished yet! - Have you totally lost it?
You can't eat our teachers!
Tell me, are you stupid?
My ear!
What am I going to do now? This is gonna look totally crappy.
You're worried about your ear? You just killed a human being!
Well, he wasn't really that human.
You think this is funny? Do you know what this means?
The blood thirst. It starts.
We'll go nuts, want to eat brains and start to decompose!
Like new, let's go.
What? You want to act like nothing happened?
Don't piss yourself. The guy had it coming.
- And he wasn't the only one. - Not the only one?
You want to run around eating everybody who ever bullied you?
I'm sorry.
This is serious, guys. We must keep an eye on each other, okay?
If you're hungry, eat a Slim Jim, but no gym teachers, understood?
Swear it.
Swear that you stop eating people. And help me find an antidote!
- I swear. - I swear.
I swear double.
- Got yourself under control now? - Yes.
It only happens when I'm hungry. Then I lose it.
- Hungry. - Hey, look.
This is our salvation. I'll tell her the truth now.
Wait here.
Wait, Rebecca. Rebecca, wait!
Wait, it's about the magic book.
It may sound strange, but we are zombies, okay?
And you have to help us because we are in serious trouble...
You know what, Philip? I can make fun of myself on my own!
The whole day, you put on an act.
Sure, only you and me tonight.
You know what? You can rot in hell!
But Rebecca...
Wow. Great salvation.
Have fun at the party and say hello to Uschi!
Hungry.
That's so unfair. You are zombies just like me
and I have to stay here.
First of all, we didn't eat our gym teacher
and second, it's only until I'm back on track with Rebecca.
You, back on track with Rebecca?
And Brazil won't be soccer champion.
Here, in case you get bored.
Barbie's Supermarket Adventure?
I already played this three times!
And? Is she home?
No, probably still out with her Goth friends.
- Are you nuts? - Why?
It's a totally safe method.
Complete destruction on a molecular level.
The outcome won't bite anybody, guaranteed.
Shit! Who could that be now?
The cops? Wow, they're fast.
No one gets in without a search warrant. This house is your private space.
A fortress. Nobody gets in. Nobody.
Yes?
Hope you don't mind that I brought some friends.
Okay, guys, jerking-off contest can officially commence!
Three, two, one... go!
Marion, what was that?
I don't know, honey, looks like yogurt.
- But tastes quite different. - I won! Fork it over, gentlemen.
I meant to complain about the noise,
but somehow it reminds me of my youth.
Today, everything's about ecstasy and video games,
- and we had... - Pot and orgies.
Hello. I bought a new alarm clock.
Do you want to hear it ring tomorrow morning?
Shut up and get me another drink.
Can't you do that somewhere else?
Where? Your parents' master bedroom is blocked.
Get lost!
Ah, there's my precious one.
Guys, may I introduce this rugby ace,
my partner at the summer dance,
and future exclusive user of my alabaster body. Philip.
How exorbitant, Fleischhacker.
I always thought you were one of these poor suburban losers.
Only a clever disguise, right?
Sure. An exorbitant disguise.
Well, see you on campus. Medicine or Law?
Lawful medicine.
What a guy.
Where's your room?
U-u-upstairs.
How sweet. You like horror movies?
It's only research.
I actually only watch fuck films when I'm alone.
In your dreams, Fleischhacker.
Nobody beats me.
Especially not you.
Yes! Yes!
Nobody beats the liver from hell! Bets, please.
I challenge the winner.
A real man's job.
- What's in there? - A brew from my youth.
Orange soda, nightshade and moonshine.
The challenged party chooses the weapon.
Gin, Spanish fly and lighter fluid.
Hello, good evening, officer.
I've got some information for you.
At Fleischhacker's, Weingarten 17,
there's a wild drug party going on.
Yes. The basement looks like a pharmacy.
And as an honest citizen it is my duty
to inform you.
Yes, I'll wait for you outside.
Hungry!
Candy!
Oh, cool!
Cheese casserole.
Hi. Have you seen Philip?
Philip? Philip.
Yes, Philip, of course. He's in his room.
- Abso-freakin'-lutely! - I see.
Poor guy, so cold.
That's most likely excitement.
I'll get you hot again.
- Philip? - Oh, Rebecca.
Good that you're here. I meant to talk to you anyway.
Could you...
wait outside for a second?
I'll come soon.
That's my job.
I didn't teach you how to kiss for this.
Cute. The little bat is in love.
Think about it.
Doesn't know a blow job from a hand job, but wants you badly.
I didn't come here to get insulted.
Why don't you leave?
We've got much to do.
Right, Philip?
True.
I can probably leave then.
I didn't know you could be so firm. Let's see what else is firm.
This makes no sense.
What do you suggest?
Ready for the big show?
Careful. There were some casualties in the past.
You look like you lost one of your balls.
Are you okay?
Of course.
Just looking for condoms.
Behind the TV?
You know, my mother!
How sweet.
When I'm finished with you, you will cry for your mommy.
Mommy!
You like it?
How do you do this? Ten minutes without breathing.
Secrets of the trade. One more round?
Come! Emergency!
So?
Let me break it to you gently...
Man, your dick has fallen off.
My God!
God? God has nothing to do with it.
That chick has a grip like a vice.
That is no laughing matter.
- What am I supposed to do? - Don't worry.
Konrad's ear works fine again, too.
What exactly do you mean by that?
Are you insane? No, never.
Don't move. Remember, we're dead, so it can't hurt.
And?
Strange. But not unpleasant.
Keep it under control, will you?
- Have you seen Philip? - He went to the rugby star's room.
That queer. No one keeps me waiting.
That's quite some stud you got there!
Do you mind?
Uschi, wait!
Fleischhacker, forget what I told you.
You are a sad gay pervert.
A moment ago you wanted to screw me as if your life depended on it.
Me, screwing you?
Get real.
You lowlife.
You wear cheap sneakers and get blow jobs from your poor friends.
It was all just an act?
Did you really think I have the hots for you? Shove the dance.
I like winners.
And you will always be a loser.
Girls.
What a shame. Hold that.
At least it can't get any worse now.
Nobody moves. This is a drug raid.
Where's the basement?
You can't go in. A pipe has burst. The oil has spilled,
mixing with photo chemicals. The earthquake left a total mess.
Open this door or we will use force.
Against me or the door?
Please don't.
Please, don't. Please, don't. Please, don't.
And?
Wow! Look at Michael Jackson.
Konrad?
- Could you put it back in? - Sure.
Officer, I'm the one that called you.
You have to bust this drug ring.
Leave it to us.
You remain at our disposal, Fleischhacker!
- Yes, sure. - All right, fellows, the whole program!
I am truly sorry. Shit happens.
First, your new girl dumps you and then you end up in jail.
Don't worry.
You'll make new friends in prison.
Hairy, sweaty new friends.
But only rarely will you look at their faces.
Hey, you! If your call was meant to be a joke,
it ain't funny. This house is cleaner than a baby's bottom.
Just a few joints of low quality. Isn't that right?
Totally.
Let's see. Misleading the police,
fraudulent pretenses, slander, plus,
I hate to be called away from my wife.
Ciao, Wolf.
We still have Paris.
That's all?
For 17 years, I had to endure what guys like him did to me.
- Now it's payback time! - No, it's not.
Not as long as I'm involved.
We'll make peace. I've had it. Okay?
Okay. Okay, peace.
Let's shake on it.
You stupid jerks!
Why the hell did you do it?
Because he deserved it.
And he was quite tasty.
We swore that this would never happen again.
Now we'll have another zombie.
Having fabric softener in your cereal lately?
You're nuts. Back to the...
Don't try to stop me.
I'll finish you. All of you.
Konrad, damn it.
Damn it! What now?
He's too big for the microwave. Don't you have a freezer?
- You think this will work? - Sure. A popsicle can't move
or feed on brains.
Then we'll go looking for Konrad. Don't worry.
But I do. You could, too, for a change.
- For you, everything is always easy. - I just hate to be miserable, Philip.
That is depressing.
If you'd been more miserable and not smoking pot,
we wouldn't have crashed into the tree,
and we wouldn't be dead!
Blame everything on me.
Keep on being cool forever or help me find an antidote.
I can't listen to that anymore. "Antidote! Antidote! Help me!"
Fine! Let's shoot each other!
Shoot each other? You don't have the balls for that.
Well, how, if they keep rolling out of my pants?
So you're game?
No, Philip, go shoot yourself.
How about asking your little girlfriend?
She'll shoot you for sure.
She is not my little girlfriend!
Hey, it's not midnight yet.
We can still celebrate your birthday.
Listen, I really need your help.
You looked quite capable in your room before.
Please forget it. You were right.
Uschi and her lot played me for a sucker. I was really stupid.
Sometimes, men just think with their dicks.
I've got to ask you something about the book,
or I'll have to shoot myself.
You really seem desperate.
Catch!
Are you about to lose one of your balls?
What? God, not again!
Calm down. That was just a joke.
Sorry, I just feel a little unhinged.
Have a seat.
You want to know about the Necronomicon?
The Necro-what?
Necronomicon.
Thanks for keeping it.
- It's the only edition. - That's okay.
Everything is written in Latin. I don't understand it.
A basic education in Romance languages can be a blessing.
I could translate it for you.
Hungry?
Not really. I...
The summoning at the cemetery with the ashes...
Never mind.
Just messed with us. Dumped a couple of ashtrays into a jug.
I don't think so.
- I have a Snickers bar around here. - No, don't worry, I...
You've really got beautiful hams.
Hamstrings.
Not your everyday compliment.
I want
to eat you!
Are you mental?
Meat!
Philip, you've got the wrong idea if you thought
you could hump me just like that.
Have you lost it? I'm warning you!
I'm so sorry. I...
What the hell is wrong with you?
Idiot.
Do you want to kill me?
To the contrary. You must kill me.
I blew it.
I had the antidote and then I burnt it.
Terrific. How about some good news for a change?
No. Never again.
You still have your granddad's pistol?
It's in the cellar.
With the Hitler bust.
Get it.
Philip, you can't be serious.
- Just because... - Get it.
The summoning on the cemetery
with the ashes... Like in your book.
This may sound strange,
but we're zombies.
I want
to eat you.
Oh, shit.
It's been a blast.
Same here.
Shoot.
I wrecked your BMX bike back then.
You?
Yes, I also posted your nude pictures on the internet.
- You cousin and l... - I don't want to know all that.
- Just shoot me. - Okay.
Oh, no!
Hurry, we don't have the whole night!
Man, you couldn't hit an elephant if it sat on your face!
Give it to me.
Now!
No, don't!
There is a solution.
Open up!
If you were infected
at the summoning, the book can tell us how to change you back.
And where do we get a Necronomicon? I burned yours.
We need to find another copy.
Which is hidden in an undiscovered pyramid in Egypt, right?
No. That's plain normal paganism. Every museum has a copy.
I just had an expensive facsimile for show.
Well, I know, the book can save us.
But how do you take such a rare piece from a severely guarded museum?
Trust me. I have a plan.
"Trust me," he said.
- "I have a plan." - Don't talk, run!
The mummy walks. With quilted, extra cozy printed all over it.
Stop! Hold it!
Here it is.
A spell and the ingredients.
And what do we need? Adrenaline and electric shocks?
No, nothing like that. Spider legs, mandrake root,
- a toad's liver. - You mean Gothic crap.
Listen.
I could simply walk off
while you end up in a dog food factory!
I'm sorry.
Where do we find all this stuff?
Spider legs and mandrake I have at home.
- Quartz we can buy. - You have spider legs at home?
I'll shut up.
Some I can borrow from Günther.
You'll get the rest.
Holy water and blood of a virgin.
Great!
Forget it.
There's not a single virgin in town since 1996.
I looked around. Do you know one?
Well, Konrad.
But he is...
- You? - Me? Nope. No idea.
It's got to work.
Not later than 36 hours after your infection.
But that makes it by noon today.
If not, you'll remain dead forever.
So first the antidote and then Konrad.
And so I baptize you...
Pardon us.
Sorry.
Cute child. Self-made?
Thanks a bunch. Bye.
So is he named "Pardon us" now?
Piece of cake. What about the virgin blood?
We've got an hour left.
- You got everything? - In principle, yes.
- I need a pot, a syringe... - Fleischhacker.
- Philip? Two seconds. - Dad?
Correct. But if it's true about your party, there'll be no more dad.
And I'll give you up for adoption.
In Romania.
What party? There's no party.
Oh, really? I still hear you toast.
Now the weed.
Which weed?
Smoking pot now?
Booze isn't enough for you?
- Everything is normal here. - The needle and the syringe?
Syringe? Needle?
You're now into hard drugs?
- You got this all wrong. - The shit's really cooking.
Hurry up, the juice has got to boil.
Don't shoot me.
Who's shooting? What kind of juice?
Don't tell me you're into heroin. We're home
in half an hour. And may God have mercy on your soul.
We have a problem.
I know. Konrad.
No, my parents are back.
- We've got to clean up! - We need the antidote.
This stuff has to cook for half an hour. Tell you what...
you clean up, and I'll mix the antidote.
I hate to tell you,
but our son is addicted to heroin.
Nonsense. His only problems are permanent morning erections.
They turned our house into a drug den.
Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll all day long.
Except for the normal one, this Konrad guy.
Calm down.
Last year we came home early
because he answered the phone late. He was out mowing your lawn.
True, but too short and against the grain.
Watch out!
It's Konrad.
How could you be so careless? The poor innocent boy.
He could have become a Nobel Prize winner.
He's already cold to the touch.
Hungry!
Poor boy. Hope they can help him in here.
No problem. This is a hospital.
It's crammed with specialists.
Hello.
An emergency! I'm Dr. Fleischhacker.
Call my colleague. Dr. Rusky.
Yes, is he in?
Smoking at work?
In the hospital? Get me your boss.
Right now.
That would be me.
Dr. Simons... my name.
Get a move on! Go, take
the patient into the E. R!
Slowly!
These days good staff is hard to find.
Whatever. The young man had
a car accident and is probably under drugs. I recommend the full works.
X-rays, tox screen, internal, E.N.T., CAT scan.
I was about to say the same.
Toxic X-rays, O.C.B. and T.H.C.
And take a peek at his bottom!
Excellent.
Now I've got bigger fish to fry.
Don't worry.
His herbal tea will calm him down.
Yeah.
- Where do you take him to? - As you said, the tox ward.
But you'll look up his ass.
What? I didn't become a nurse to help people.
- I see. - He looks quite fine to me.
Like you this morning.
What about the recovery position?
Good idea.
Bad idea. What now?
- So? - Only the virgin blood is missing.
What?
The blood of a virgin. You do have some, right?
Yes.
I should have known you can't be trusted!
Do you know how hard it is to find a virgin in this town?
You could have looked a little closer.
If you tell anyone, you're dead.
I am dead.
Are you done?
Wow!
Thirsty.
# Hallelujah! #
# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #
# Hallelujah! #
# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #
Take a sip each and then we find Konrad.
And how?
Are there bins for guys in sweaters
and with bottleneck glasses?
Philip!
- Philip. - Hello, Rebecca. Hello, Weener.
- What is this? - Don't.
What is it?
A new experimental drug?
Spare me the innocent act.
Look at you.
Street hustlers look healthier than you.
- Did Konrad have to drink this, too? - Excuse me?
I've just taken him to the hospital.
- Konrad's in the hospital? - Great.
That pleases you?
What did these damned drugs
- do to you? - Pumpkin, you exaggerate. Honestly,
does it look like a huge party in here?
The boys may have cranked up the stereo a bit.
Mom.
You are just too skeptical.
Our boy would never wreck our house.
That's enough. I'll destroy this fiendish stuff now.
- No. - Hear the truth.
We died in a car crash and voodoo turned us
into zombies. This can change us back.
That's the truth.
No.
This is the wackiest excuse I've ever heard.
Kiss goodbye to your drugs!
I have to do this.
- Felt good, didn't it? - Shut up.
How do you feel?
- Just as before. - Great.
Your stuff didn't work at all.
What was that for?
It hurts.
Back to normal.
There are more important things.
We have to be at the hospital in 20 minutes.
My car is totaled.
I knew I'd find you here.
Shall we pick up where we left off last night?
You do have a fast car, right?
All right, doctor?
Konrad.
Dr. Konrad. Just finished a very obstinate chest O.P.
A nightmare.
Mixed up nipples and the enlargement...
Four pounds of soy oil on either side.
No such need for you, Nurse...
Nurse Arzu. No, not my kind of problem.
You're sure a hamster could have rabies?
Yes! I told Konrad to buy a fish,
but he went for this bloodthirsty beast.
No one is allowed near him now.
I tell her, "Dear colleague, this is not champagne,
it's your urine sample."
See you tonight.
- Bye, doctor. - Bye.
Keep the dresses on.
Keep calm. Any movement could spell his death.
Konrad!
- Stop! - Come on!
Pot.
And sex orgies!
Miss Grinder, it's us. The class of '03.
Yes!
You were growing weed in the biology lab, right?
What do you want? Leave me alone.
Konrad, we found an antidote.
Got it? One sip and you'll be normal again.
Normal? I don't want to be normal.
I like myself this way.
Did you see? The chicks dig me.
I get respect. True?
Konrad, you're a walking corpse. Look at yourself!
Never mind!
I've got a stapler that'll fix it.
Are you still sane? You're rotting.
You have no idea. They keep a large blood supply.
Vintage '79, nice bouquet
and goes down quite smoothly.
You will drink this!
Do you want to force me?
You are normal again.
Not at strong as me! More like raw eggs.
No. We didn't drink anything yet.
We're still like you.
- Really? - Yes.
Look!
Forget it!
We've got to get him!
Oh, no, not again.
Ah, the latecomers.
Not enough time to put some sterile clothes on?
- Don't I know you? - Us? Nope.
Yes, yes, yes. You two were here before.
But there was a third one, too.
What a botched job.
Let me show you how it's done properly.
Be careful!
And I won't have words like "botched."
That's really our old weed?
I keep everything confiscated in class
in the locker of my car.
Including your Pamela Anderson videotape.
Wow! I can't hear my ears.
Shit.
Which way now?
- Straight through the window. - Don't! You're not a zombie...
anymore.
Loser!
I bit my tongue again.
Stay away from me!
- Fuck off! - Konrad! Calm down!
Fuck calm.
We want the old Konrad back!
Great! The old bore.
No, the friend.
No!
On alert!
Philip, don't exaggerate.
A bit of stapling and he'll be okay.
Idiot, they are both cured already.
We're humans again.
Holy shit.
What have I done?
- He dies. - Fuck, Philip.
Don't fuck up!
Help me. We've got to do something!
Listen!
Zombies are contagious, right?
Yes, they are. Why?
We still have a chance.
Come on!
Don't leave us.
I'm hungry.
For raw hamburgers.
The antidote.
What have you done? Have you totally lost your mind?
This sudden gust of wind.
You idiot! Now everything is lost!
Hey, guys, tastes like soda, nightshade
and moonshine.
There you are.
You left this in the car.
Can I have my special brew back?
You are the perfect woman, and I love you.
Let's live on a farm and screw till the cock grows limp.
If that takes 40 years or more...
Thanks.
You won't consider a guy who has already died twice?
The first time was bad luck. The second time was for me.
For you, I'd die a third time.
What happens with Wolf?
Weener promised me to deal with him. He swore it.
Besides, I couldn't do it myself.
My father gave me three years house arrest.
No probation.
So we have to meet here?
All right, let's make the best of it.
What...
That... that's a long story.
Okay.
Got you!
- Yes. - Darn.
- Got some beer left? - Yes.
Then go get it.
Thanks, dude.
Shouldn't we thaw out the lump sometime?
Let's wait till after graduation.
Okay. Bye.